SERENDIPITY?

The electric garage door opener for my car only opens a foot; the upstairs refrigerator stopped working and some undercounter lights have begun flashing. Oh - and the cover on one strip fell off.

Is it serendipity? Or aliens? (No blinding lights seen - probably not aliens from outer space.)

Seriously, you've probably heard that things tend to come (or be noticed) in threes? I think things tend to happen immediately following the expiration of warranties. Whatever, we are under minor seige.

Later ---

So the guy comes to fix the garage door. I go to greet him. And the damn door works perfectly. He leaves.

And the door stops working. Just like before.

I WANT TO BE LARRY DAVID

I've been watching the DVDs of Season 5 of Curb Your Enthusiasm and realize I want to be Larry David. (I'd say "when I grow up" but I don't ever want to grow up.) Larry David wrote the first 5 seasons of Seinfeld and has his own show on HBO, Curb Your Enthusiasm. It turns out to be unusually ad-libbed, though the high points/comedic devices are worked out in advance. There are several interviews on the second disc in which cast members describe Larry as having unusual vision and a "let's just do it" attitude. Also that there's lots of laughter and mutual respect and fun as Larry puts his skew on everyday life, puncturing convention with humor.

Said Seinfeld writer Peter Mehlman of David: "Larry is very in tune with his own deepest, darkest, most embarrassing thoughts -- and he's utterly unabashed about sharing them." Indeed, since starting out on the NY comedy-club scene, the Brooklyn native's dry, off-kilter sensibility has been found in his writing as well as his (more infrequent) acting. In 1999 David wrote and starred in "Larry David: Curb Your Enthusiasm", a one-hour special for HBO which spawned the critically acclaimed HBO series the following year. The second season was nominated for an "Outstanding Comedy Series" Emmy®. The show's third season was nominated for ten Emmy® Awards including Lead Actor in a Comedy Series for Larry and Best Comedy Series. In 2003, Curb Your Enthusiasm received the Golden Globe award for Best Television Series-Musical or Comedy. David was also nominated for Best Performance by an Actor in a Television Series-Musical or Comedy. more:


I remember - in my small way, by comparison - walking into the production room of the radio station I programmed in Houston, and saying to the production director, I wanted to do a promo, and let's just wing it - it's about this or that... let's start here and see what happens. He'd give me a look and humor me... and we'd come up with some wonderful stuff. Kindergarten compared to Curb Your Enthusiasm, but I 'get it' and I want to be Larry David.

FEELS LIKE FALL

Today the world turned.

I used to wonder what made that day when summer turned to fall. My guess was it had to do with the shortened days, but why one day summer, the next, fall?

Here in Austin, the temperatures have been and remain at 100 or even 100 plus. Everything non-irrigated is drought-brown. Leaves don't fall till much later in the year and some fall - I know, this is hard to understand unless you live here - in the spring.

But today feels like fall.

Is it the color of the sun, at an ever changing annual angle? (But there's less change farther south. Texas is south.)

I used to think maybe it was the delicious smell of fallen leaves. But they haven't fallen.

I thought it had to do with school cycles that framed the seasons when I was so impressionable. But school where I grew up didn't start till after labor day. And high school and college started a week or more after labor day.

Maybe 11 or 12 years of the annual Great Minnesota Get Together - the state fair - cycled my internal calendar. It's almost that time.

I haven't seen any apple cider, haven't smelt burnt leaves, haven't gone back to school, there have been no cool nights, days are only imperceptibly shorter, I still wear shorts and t-shirts and go barefoot around the house.

And yet, today feels like fall.

SNAKES ON A PLANE, uh, FRONT PORCH

Just a couple houses away. Last night. Now our hero Bob will tiptoe until this memory wears off.

I also posted this on the community blog I run, and some anonymous reader gave me grief, saying I was driving down home values with such stuff. Excuse me? Snakes in Texas? Denial? Whatever. I need thicker skin. Then negative comments AND snakes wouldn't be able to get to me.

GINO VANELLI

I always liked Gino - this dates back to when I lived in Montreal in the mid 70s, ostensibly at Gino's commercial peak. Gino's uncle cut my (radio station) music director, Tony Spiro's hair. It apparently was a tight family. Mama Vanelli used to listen to me on the air and when I played her son, maybe I gave an extra something in what I said.

Later I was invited to the big show - Gino sold out the 17,000+ seat Montreal Forum. My seats - mama's influence, I'll bet - front row.

And since I had a backstage pass - not uncommon for radio program directors - I went to pay my respects after the show. Tony, my music director, introduces me to Mama, who freaks right out - "Booooob Wooooooooooood!!!!" She's ignoring her son who's standing there along with two brothers in the band, she's making a big fuss over me, after THEY got standing ovations. It was a strange moment. I loved it.

Why I bring this up is I just got Gino's greatest hits and it's playing in the other room and I am back in Canada in my mind... remembering only the good times, and there were many. I literally fell in love with Montreal my first night there - I actually roamed the streets almost overcome. It was such a great place!

I think the last album Gino put out had some opera on it which put me off. I wish he'd return to his roots - I'd buy that in a second.

COMEDY CENTRAL ROAST OF WILLIAM SHATNER

I TiVoed it and only watched a half hour or so so far. Boy, it was cheesy. Aerosol cheesy. Not that funny. Lot of poor taste jokes (a la cable, I guess) - most aimed at Andy Dick or George Takai (spelling?) - both receiving lots of gay jokes. George just roared. He looked like he was on another planet.

I usually miss these things. Aren't they supposed to make fun of the roastee?

Shatner did seem up for it... and why not? he's doing his best work ever now in Boston Legal. I watched all the Star Treks and even remember him from the Loblaws' ads. (Loblaws was/is? a Canadian Supermarket chain and after Trek, they hired William to do the standup spots. He was good. And Canadian. Maybe that mattered.

Betty White (in her 80s) gave an outstanding reading of her jokes, even the ones in poor taste. She's a pro. I can't imagine many 80 year olders in her league.

More tonight. Like watching a train wreck, I guess.

The next day:

I watched the rest of it last night, and it made me very uncomfortable. Just not funny. Embarassing. What brain trust put that together? It wasn't edgy. It wasn't entertaining. It was dick joke after dick joke. It lowered everyone there - on the dais or in the audience, and even those who watched the train go off the tracks.

I realize that's the way of the Friar's club from which this tradition was spawned, but that was for club members and not for mass consumption.

I'm by no means a prude - but I do appreciate funny. Very little was funny. This was TV at its worst.

TIGER WOODS

Wins again. Another major. The PGA champeenship if you aren't into golf. I'm not really, but it's nice to unwind and fall asleep watching beautiful pictures of beautiful golf courses on some Sundays (pre football). And yet this run was pretty amazing - he was so "on!"

Another million in the bank.

The point I wantt to raise is how much I enjoy the commercials Tiger is in when they are tilted just a bit in the fun direction. The guy is funny. Doesn't lose any dignity doing them either. There's a new series where 'real people' send him video tapes trying to get him to improve his game because now Buick has a deal where you can win the car Tiger drives if Tiger wins. The suggestions are wacky and the director cuts from the 'real person' video to Tiger trying the tip. Very funny. Very well done.

There aren't many commercials I'll look at willingly or remember. There are few that I'll back up on TiVo and watch repeatedly (the FedEx caveman commercial is another favorite - just perfect!)

I think these Tiger spots make him just a little more human and at the same time a little more special. You can't do better than that. But then it seems that whatever Tiger does, you can't do better. Way to go.

WHO AND WHERE?

I have a tracker that shows me how many people come to this blog - and it now even maps their location. TURKEY? ISTANBUL? JERSEY CITY? MEDIA OHIO? and many others where I have no known friends, that I know of. I realize that's the nature of the world wide web, but I cannot think what would draw those people. I don't have subjects which are controversial or sensational.

A friend has pictures - many pictures - on his site - and a collection of some sexy tennis star which apparently is part of the reason he just hit 1,000,000 views.

My life is too mundane for that kind of thing - even though there are some semi-famous folks down the street - you rarely see them.

I would like to say WELCOME to all those who happen in. I'll try to give you more in the near future - more clever or wry or pictures of spiders and other neighbors.
I can't imagine what brings you here, but thanks for the viewing! Please come back.

ALL ROCK NO ROLL

Today I moved - piece by piece - about a ton of rock. We have two tons remaining. I am truly amazed that my back still works. I guess those exercises help! Stay tuned for part two! By the way - 3 tons of ("Oklahoma Chop") rock costs $1100. Can you believe it? (And we even shopped for a low price!)

CREEPY CRAWLY

Out by the pool equipment is a breeding ground for monsters. In an alien world seen by few human eyes the monsters breed - silently - until some very brave man invades their space on a special mission to bring an image of the wild west to those who only dare to shield themselves in air conditioned SUVs and gated guarded compounds.

Dennis Leary and TV

Dennis is simply amazing in RESCUE ME. Sadly, there are only two more shows for the season. The show is raw and he matches it - but seems so REAL in every scene. It's/he's surely worth an emmy. Kudos.

And if, like me, you never liked him as a comedian, you are missing something special if you avoid the show for that reason.

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Brian Williams has clearly advanced NBC nightly news. I think he's got the perfect tone and demeanor. I give him a 10. And Brokaw wasn't an easy act to follow.

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I like pageants - not so much for the pretty girls (but that ain't bad!) but I enjoy watching the production come together or fall apart. There are many factors - director, staging, remote city locations, etc. Last night I popped on Miss Teen America for about 7 minutes (all I could take). Awful hosts, stodgy staging, C- production all the way. Boooo. Truly bad.

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Josh Blue won Last Comic Standing - as much for his likeability as for his humor... look for him to have much more presence in the near future. He's already signed with a biggie. And deserves all that comes his way!

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America's Got Talent scares me. That people watch it scares me more.

MICROSOFT TURNS MACROHARD

I upgraded to XP SP 2.

It took 11 hours.

Not including driving around from store to store, looking for the free disc Microsoft says are out there. Not at Best Buy, Circuit City, not at CompUSA they aren't.

The original XP was set to become unsupported in October. Having just lived through major viruses (virii?), I figured there was no better time than now, before I get infected again. I do know EVERY TIME I've tried something like this I've regretted it, but:

men must mess
men must conquer (Kid Rock marries Pamela Anderson - that pretty much says it)
men want the fastest newest

and Microsoft will stop patching XP unless I do.

The milk hadn't even turned sour in the fridge at my apartment in the House of Rationalization, so I go for it. And, regret it. Feeling foolosh when you expect to is worse than when you don't.

1- The install hangs on a missing file.
2- The "skip this file and keep going" button won't.
3- I locate the missing file in two locations and try to insert it; it won't.
4- The install wizard says something in a box which makes little sense.
5- The install program seems to think I have the install disc, when in fact I've downloaded the SP2 from Microsoft.
6- The install wizard gives me no choice except to opt out "leaving the machine unstable, with the look of Mickey Rourke on a bender."
7- I try again. Another hour. Same result.
8- I figure maybe there are some patches I need to make before I try, and maybe one of those will find the magic missing file (even though I FIND the missing file, the wizard won't see it!)
9- I load the patches. I think I already have these, but I am desperate.
10- I reboot for the patches to take effect.
11- The computer starts, then turns off. Again and again.
12- I try all alternate boots (F8). None work.
13- To Best Buy for the free disc that Microsoft says wait for any and all. They have none, but offer me the new Home XP with upgrade for $99.95. $99.95 is the new free? I think not.
Hey, while I'm here, how much for Geek Squad help on this? $249.95. No. Not for me.
14- I realize the level of my addiction to my computer. I live on it. It's my iron lung.
15- To Circuit City. No free discs.
16- To CompUSA. No free discs.
17- I have an idea - reload Windows (original version)... maybe it got corrupted in all the virus nonsense. It takes hours.
18- Then I download and install 46 patches, most for security. Actual number - no exaggeration! It takes more hours.
19- I try to get a clean download of SP2 just in case. Microsoft's automated program says I have it installed already and won't give me another.
20- I try Microsoft help and they will respond by E mail. My E mail was blown out completely. Now I can get the computer to boot into the new-old-reloaded program of Windows, but there is no more Outlook Express (mail program.)
21- I nose around Microsoft, begging (okay, looking) for another shot at a clean download of SP2 and finally find it, tucked away in some sub-menu. Since I have their auto-loaded version, they don't want me to have another, but I somehow prevail.
22- It takes hours to load and install. Really.
23- I then have to immediately return to Microsoft for all the patches they've made to SP2. 45 of them (Actual Number).
24- I download and install 45 more patches.
25- Reboot to make them work.

And it works. I have escaped. An inch lower and my 'nads would have been shot off.

At least I think it works. Haven't explored everything yet - there must be settings which need adjustment, but mail and internet are back and at least the icons for the programs I use every day are there.

There's a moral to the story depending on your attitude:

a) Leave well enough alone
b) All machines must be subservient to man.

PS: I'm not spell checking this today because I spent 45 minutes on the first one and spell check took the story DOWN and threw it away. Do computers know revenge?

FIRE ANTS

The other day I was adjusting some of the sprinkler patterns and I leaned down into a patch of weeds and grass and noticed a bunch of tiny ants. Some crawled onto my wet skin (did I mention the sprinkler was on and that means soaking me? What the heck - it was 100 degrees!) I brushed a couple off then realized that others were the tiny nasty ants that bite.

Now the amazing thing is how much it hurts versus the size of the ant. I can't even find a good description. Sticking a pin in your skin wouldn't approach the pain. And a HEATED needle would hurt a lot, but it'd be a different hurt.

Years ago, a fella I worked with had a flat tire and pulled off the road to change his tire where he said his clothes became infested with these monster ants, and he stripped nekkid and drove home 40 miles that way. At the time I thought that was very funny.

Today I know it was nothing but very practical.

After the pain goes away you get a welt and it itches for days. And you scratch it and it itches more and you can't stop... because it... feels... so... good...

THE GREAT SPRINKLER HEAD BATTLE

By now you know I am not exactly handy around certain things. I have, however, proudly managed to take apart several sprinkler heads which the landscaper installed pointing backwards (they only come on in the dark - who knew?) And I also managed to lose a small set screw somewhere when the nozzle popped out on another. Two are defective.

Forecast is for green-burning 100 degree days for the foreseeable future and we've had 17 so far - brown is the new green.

Of course the one head is not standard and neither Lowes nor Home Depot carries anything to replace it.

The other I might have found a replacement for.

The others are okay though I will screw (literally) with their spray patterns now that I have the tool.

Last time I adjusted these things took some shots in the head but it's 100 degrees. It's okay.


LATER THAT SAME DAY.

Geez, I surprised myself. I fixed the broken rotor and reinstalled two and reset all spray patterns all by myself. I qualify to be an illegal alien landscaper.

BP BAD

BP admits they held back on the anti-corrosion chemical which might have delayed the corrosion (wow what a concept!) in their Alaskan pipeline. That's the one which will drive gas prices even farther up the ladder and cost Alaska $1,000,000 in taxes each day it's down.

Yup. Big oil. Management at its finest.

UH, SECURITY UPDATES?

I just uncovered 40 windows security updates which I must have missed somehow. Don't laugh. I do regularly look for these things. It's just that Microsoft wants me to load XP SP2 and I have been warned/scared off for years by many. Now I find out that Microsoft will stop supporting SP1 in October. Soon I will have to jump. I won't be alone. Where will YOU be?

I just can't afford to lose data or programs, and since that's the jolly warning you get before you load SP2 - 'backup anything you wish to keep!' - I have resisted.

VIRUS, WHAT VIRUS?

Being completely paranoid, having lived through the 70s, and after my recent bout with the Virus du jour, I have left several anti-virus programs still running. One just said all was well, as if Febreeze had been sprayed into my operating system.

However, another one has located as many as 9 infections (it's still running) and claims it has found a trojan horse embedded within my program troops.

I did hear back from one anti-virus company which had declared all well during my last seige - I e mailed them - they announced that my problem was something they hadn't seen before. Well, duh. And they'd work on it.

Yesterday the computer did seem sluggish and I rebooted then things got better. But it appears the Woods are not out of the woods yet. Unless good old (free) AVG can slay this dragon.

NO HAIR ON MY RIGHT ARM

And why is that, you ask?

Because the newly replaced sparker on our outdoor grille still doesn't work. And while I waited for it to catch, I waited too long before I opened the lid and threw a match in.

BOOM!

And my right arm was treated to a dipilatory. Just ash, that formerly nice blonde hair.

That was close. Good thing I wasn't leaning in.

I can feel just a little rawness, and a certain smell haunts me.

Guardian angel? Fate? Luck? You bet!

A SUNNY DAY

The clouds have drifted away. The computer works again. There's a new lightness in my attitude. The Virus has been cured. I can breathe again.

AM I FREE?

Really free? While I type this I wait for the dreaded VIRUS popup. I just spent several hours following very detailed virus removal instructions. The thing is, those popups were not immediate.

I just rebooted as the last step. Will they return? Or am I free? Did the .exe's I deleted hurt something else?

Why am I posting this - because you don't want it to happen to you, believe me! If you do, I can send you detailed removal instructions. I figure sooner or later the popular AV programs will have a fix, but till then it's a MESS you don't wish for.

--- so far so good ----

I had many anti-virus programs downloaded - two new ones, one new highly touted one, and a handful others NONE OF WHICH found the same "threats" (but I got rid of anything anyone of them found), which doesn't build confidence.

Example - after 2 or more hours, a program will declare it found XX threats. I eliminate them. I immediately run another program which says I'm free of virus. Then a third which finds more of them. And so on - for days.

--- so far so good ---

This is like waiting for the hammer to come down. This virus - purportedly selling antivirus (antivirus soldier) software, is supposedly a scam to get credit card info. It hijacks your internet tools, home page, task controller, and slows your computer way down. One of the popups is fullscreen and deleting it triggers others. You cannot effectively run a computer while it happens... except E mail for some reason.


--- so far so good, and I'm starting to believe. Also I notice the screen is keeping up with me, which is another good sign as I type pretty quickly.

Any other program would crash the computer.

--- my God, I think it's gone.

Am I really back in business? Only time will tell. And I will keep you informed.

If you see ANTISPYWARE SOLDIER popup, you are in for a world of hurt.