MY EMMY

I'd like to win an Emmy. Hard to do when you aren't involved with television, except to watch it. I have an idea for a show. It isn't my first. With a partner we had the Video Awards figured out just before MTV announced them. I also had thought up what was in effect COPS and RESCUE 911. And a different version of The Travel Channel before it hit.

My 'show' idea is simply about pitching shows to the networks. And as they are pitched, the boob network guys try to change essential pieces. We see the stories change with each interruption, showing the ridiculous changes. It'd be funny.

Scene: Network boardroom. 20 something execs in Armani. And the pitch team - two guys barely able to find clean T shirts to wear. They are desperate.

Pitchman 1: "It's a show... about a family. A family on a farm. It's full of family values. (audio fades into scene) Dad was a former advertising executive who gave it all up to be closer to the earth and his family"

Brief scene, bucolic, amber light shines down on happy Dad, with arms around Mom, brother and sister, arm in arm. Golden retriever romps alongside.

Boardroom:
Network guy 1: "How about... if the dog is really an alien lifeform?"

Pitchman #2. "Great idea! An alien life form" Exchanges "the look" with partner.

Brief same scene - dog is replaced by slug like creature with CGI slime trail.

Boardroom:
Network guy 2 - clearly inspired: "But the sister... is troubled... and a rebel... and she's got a meth lab behind the chicken coop."
Network guys all buzz about that.

Pitchman #2. "Great idea! A meth addict" Exchanges "the look" with partner. (Each look is a little more painful.

Brief same scene, daughter is now slutty, tattooed, sullen and pale. Parents look troubled.

Boardroom:
Network woman 1: " The father should be well muscled and shirtless as much as possible..." Nods all around.

Pitchman #2. "Great idea! ...muscles" Exchanges "the look" with partner. (Each look is a little more painful.

Brief same scene, father is different guy, chiseled and shirtless... mother rubs his pecks.

Well, you get the idea, it rolls merrily downhill and then the scene gets longer, is interrupted by change after change, and picks up where it left off, growing more bizarre and stealing from other successful shows.

Here I am, networks, come get me. "...great idea!"