THE ATOMIC GNAT

There is an atomic gnat in our TV room. Or several. It's hard to tell. Physicists have determined that certain very very small particles may be able to be in two locations at once. And these gnats are very very small. So when that speck is walking across my glasses, it might also be buzzing the couch. I'm not sure.

Perhaps they arrived in the late winter when we had the deck door wide open - after all, there were no bugs we could see, and it was unseasonably warm. Or maybe they camped out in a new plant which now sits beside the tv. Or rode bareback in on the dog. Actually, the atomic gnat is small enough to pass through a screen.

And so I have begun the ritual of ridding ourselves of this pesky insect which is apparently attracted to my nostril like Bubba to a strip bar on a Friday after work.

I went to LOWES and bought the meanest, and apparently most toxic, pest strip known to man. The instructions say it kills flying things. They say don't be in the room with this horrible chemical for more than 4 hours. Disposal calls for a hazmat team. After more than a week, no gnat deaths have been recorded, though our own lifetimes may have been shortened.

I then resorted to the tried and true... the glue-y thing which hangs as a beacon of stickiness from the pull chain on the ceiling fan. 50s diners and truckstops of that era would sport these traps like stalactites, usually peppered with flies. But for me, no luck. I have avoided walking into it.

I read on the web how to build a trap... using cider vinegar and a soda bottle. But so far, it hasn't worked.

The atomic gnat is winning the war. I am pretty sure it's too small to be a predator drone and don't think I am being surveiled.

Prayer hasn't worked.

Bad tv hasn't worked.

I am unsure of my next move. For now, I am a swat team of one.