Pool Chem 102

Imagine Ryan Stiles (very very funny but somewhat gawky geeky guy on Drew Carey's "Whose Line Is It" show) behind the counter at the local Pool Yourself Warehouse and Chemical Dump. Now take away the funny. Add a touch of a young Jimmy Stewart. (I know - strange mix.) THAT'S the guy who analyzed our pool chemistry the other day.

You take a water sample at arm's depth and race it down to the lab/shop before it "expires."

Gawk then plays with test tubes (only they are square, like him) and reagents and beakers and test strips and the props of a Young Frankenstein Make Your Own Movie Set kit. He then declares you need some of THIS and THAT, maybe TWO of these, as we walk the aisles of common chemicals renamed and sold at high markups.

PH Fluff is really goat pee.

PH Droop is really bull drool.

Salt Stabilizer is really salt. The "lizer" is the money part.

Following instructions, I put enough baking soda into the pool yesterday to nuke a Pillsbury Bakeoff. Now I have to neutralize it with acid. "Why not," you might ask intelligently, " just skip BOTH, since one counteracts the other?" Very good question. No answer I've received makes sense to me.

But then I have to stabilize the PH after I've added and subtracted. They say the whole process acts like a shock absorber. I could have used one of those at the checkout. This stuff is so expensive it could be sold as Holy Water - no offense to the religious.

And then to that I must add calcium. Milk? No, more expensive stuff: CALCIUM WATER HARDENER. We had water hardener free in Minnesota, but it was 5 months long and we called it winter.