Fly the Crappy Skies

A new Zagat survey reports low scores for many airlines; every airline slipped since the last poll in 2001. (5277 frequent fliers and travel professionals surveyed)

Delays, service and food were the main complaints. At the top: Continental, Midwest, JetBlue, Aloha. At the bottom: Northwest, US Air, Spirit.

Here's MY list of gripes:

Ticket counter check in - they type a zillion entries. I swear they are sending E mail to each other. I can log on and be around the world on a website in seconds. So why don't they use a better and easier technology instead of so many keystrokes?
(We always buy and seat-assign by website when possible, and then kiosk check-in at airport. Avoid the people!)

Gate agents that act like gods/goddesses. Hey, stop being so RUDE. I was upset once because we missed a connecting flight by about a minute after running from gate to gate for fifteen minutes, and when said I thought it was wrong since they could see the flight was late getting in and should have held the connection, she said if I persisted she'd call the police. Want to feel helpless? Try that.

Smelly planes. Gross. Can't they blow them out? Some are people smells, some are just musty. Yuk.

Non-communicative pilots. You sit and wait and wait and wait and John Friggin Wayne up there never thinks to let you know what the heck is up. Communist!

Snippy flight attendants. Once upon a time they seemed nice. Some still are. Some are just jerks. Men and women both.

Never try to sleep on the aisle because they will park the cart and ice chip and open cans right by your ear.

Seats. Oh my god, who makes these things? There's no way to be comfortable and there's no legroom (I'm 6 feet - that's not so abnormal, is it?) I'd pay more for room. (Not first class room, but that's ridiculous room. Yes, we have upgraded from time to time. Yes, we felt special. But it's generally not worth the price differential.)

Bathrooms. If they let you even approach the bathroom ("sir, the "fasten seatbelt" sign is still illuminated, please take you seat!" "Hey, if I take my seat it's going to be wet, okay?" "Sir, you must sit." "Sure I do, because you can't stand and pee in that grotesque thing you call a restroom." "Sir, if you don't sit immediately, I'll..." "Hey, I am POSSESSED BY MY BLADDER okay, and it's going to explode.." "Sir, you can't speak about explosions on an aircraft or you will be detained by federal agents upon disembarkation!" "I am going to disemURINATE after sitting on the ground for that extra hour before we took off..." "Sir, RETURN TO YOUR SEAT." "Can I have a blanket and empty soda can then?"

Eeeuuuuwwwww.

Never flush an airline toilet while sitting. You'll either get a butt cheek sucked right off your body or you'll be bathed in blue fluid. The good news is ice won't form on your butt for some time.

I was once on a flight - a DC9 I think - that hit the Pittsburgh runway so hard the stewardess started crying. I am not making this up.

Maybe there's room for Sadistic Air. "If you can fit in the seat, we'll find other ways to punish you."