EVERYBODY IS A STAR

(Sly and the Family Stone)

I don't ever want to see Hugh Hefner again. It's gross. He's always got a bimbo on his arm (or three) while he smirks like a camel or some odd beast. It's not an "Oh look - you get get some in your 80s with young great grandaughter-aged babes" hopeful future for men everywhere (except Vegas.) It's a bad ad for Viagra. And Hugh is always pictured in pajamas or robe. Image is everything. Hugh, get what you can, do what you can. Just do it in private and go away please.

Imagine Hugh and someone his age. Want some names? Didn't think so. What must the girls say about him behind his back? Here's a typical conversation: "Boy, Hugh's ear hair is trimmed nicely!" "I love your sandals." "I love YOUR sandals." "Are we going to Spago tonight?" "Do they have an early bird senior sitting at 4?" "Hugh grunts like he's dying." "Oh, that's mean. I think he grunts like a turtle." "Can you get a burn from satin?" "If Hugh makes me pregnant, will the baby be 42 at birth?" "Anybody see my tooth whitening stuff?"

And while I change the world today, I object to the overuse of the word STAR. And also STARRING. Reality shows don't STAR people. Nicole Ritchie, Paris Hilton are not STARS. STAR should have merit. Actually, a star is a gasseous explosion. Keep that in mind. We need a new word.

And so, this weekend breaks Mission Impossible III. Tom Cruise has become too... whatever... lately. Too bad. The public turns on its pedestal riders. I'd still like to look like him, even for a day. So would Hugh Hefner.

I expect to enjoy MI3. I remember the tv series. I always wondered who shellaced Barbara Bain's face to make it so rigid. If she STARRED she did it without any hint of life.

And lately I've noticed how the leads on Miami CSI and the regular blend (Vegas version) rarely say many scripted words. What a gig. Whatshisname says 3 or 4, rarely 5 word sentences, stands at angles, and pops his glasses on and off. WhatshisnameVegas says a little more, maybe a page an episode, and puts latex gloves on. They may be acting, but they aren't STARRING. I tell you, we need a new word.

The proper sense of STAR should be someone who illuminates by their appearance. Who inhabits a role with such force of personality that we are compelled to believe, or like, or even hate.