FAT VERSUS YOGURT

An eight-year scientific study in America has concluded that you might as well eat a bacon sandwich as a low-fat yoghurt if you want to stay healthy. Yogurt is the easier to spell version of yoghurt, and said to be less hurtful without the 'hurt' part.

Medical researchers in the United States who set out to demonstrate that a low-fat diet will reduce the risks of cancer and heart attacks were struggling yesterday to hide their disappointment. The results from their eight-year, government-funded study are in - and they show no such thing. "There is no monster under the bed, or even in the closet," said an unnamed spokesperson, between mouthfuls of bacon.

While this may be good news for lovers of butter and fans of bacon sandwiches for breakfast, it will surely befuddle the millions of health-conscious consumers around the globe who for years have skipped from one low-fat fad to the next in search of the perfect recipe for health, longevity and, of course, a tauter tummy.

"It was the Rolls Royce of studies," agreed Dr Michael Thun of the American Cancer Society. The results, far removed from what the experts had expected, were reported yesterday by the Journal of the American Medical Association, in an issue sponsored by Rolls Royce, "first choice of Plastic Surgeons nationwide."

But before everyone dives for the chocolates, some skeptics - and some of its authors - point to potential problems with the study, notably that it did nothing to distinguish between different kinds of fat. "Bacon isn't exactly a slab of ribs or a handful of Crisco," said Dr. David Hemmings. "Let's see Cameron Diaz after a couple years of eating pork slabs! I think she'd be in Tyne Daily territory, if you catch my drift. Probably with chest pain. And what exactly is yogurt anyway? It isn't milk, it isn't cheese, it's active bacteria in a goo, that's what it is. It's a little bit sour, like cow milk pudding in a plasma state. Yogurt is the Dick Cheney of dairy!"

Medical researchers are now said to be investigating the causes of ugliness in American adults, looking for a correlation between Birkenstocks and white socks.