THE BANNED CHRISTMAS LETTER

Terri dropped the bomb – she thought the Christmas letter I wrote for this year is over the top, too sarcastic or whatever. Funny, but Not What She Wants To Send Out In Her Christmas Cards. But, as promised, here it is for those who need some bob-nog.

It’s very difficult to consider Christmas when it is 82 degrees. But such is life in Texas, where the local Lowes has moved out the pesticide, ‘coon killer and snake bait, so they could replace it all with Everything Christmas™. Judging from what is hanging from their ceiling, giant inflatables will be big this year. Jolly ol’ Saint Nick is so much more Jolly ™ when he’s 20 feet high, full of air. Speaking of full of air, how about that election? Here, we “Aquied,” judging from the signs. I don’t speak the language, but I can say (and probably not spell) “necessite el banyo.” Ya gotta be prepared!

It’s been an exciting year watching the Longhorns play football. Last year, Vince Young was god. This year we all thought nobody could fill his Adidas ™. But this FRESHMAN from a little town nobody ever heard of - his name is Colt McCoy (true), and he has wowed us all. He’s set records already! His dad was his high school coach. No wonder they drafted/scholarshipped this kid onto our team – they grow ‘em here. Apparently the town he grew up in was so small they only had one traffic light, and it just flashes. I know you think I’m making this up, and that’s the charm, it IS right out of a fantasy. They don’t even have a Dairy Queen. Part of that culture is portrayed nicely in a TV show that’s probably cancelled by the time you get this, called, appropriately, Friday Night Lights. It’s about small town Texas football and how it is THE focal point of the town. If I were running a network, I think I’d put Friday Night Lights on Fridays, not Tuesdays, but that’s me.

Let us bring you up to date on the kids. Jason is doing fine and I think his second visit to the parole board will be the magic one that works for him. We’ve explained that threats don’t work well, no matter how sincere the delivery. And besides, how many people actually ever get their hearts cut out? It’s never in the news, so they should have known it was just teen adrenaline doing the spit enhanced yelling. Don’t we all sometimes have anger issues? And the self-inflicted “revenge” tat, though pointing to an artistic future and employment possibilities, perhaps wasn’t seen in the right light, either. Note to Jason: long sleeves next time!

Kari has finally found herself in school. Not that she became aware where she was, but she, we think, is coming into her own, as she grows comfortable with the taunts. We tell her it’s just jealousy. And wouldn’t you know the assistant principal, instead of helping her fit in, and being supportive, goes and accuses her of being drunk. Well, let me assure you that the new teen fragrances are hard to tell from Wild Turkey! I’m serious! (Texan for “alcohol” is “ak-a-haul.”)

Kyle found work… he’s turned around! That taxidermy school could have led down the path to doing deer (hunting is big here) but in a twist of fate, he’s working in a funeral home. And we know he was joking about putting antlers on a guy in a closed casket – what would be the point?

Our community here, behind the gates, is pretty darn affluent. Like we fit in! There are telltale signs – they leave their flood lights on all night, drive around in luxury SUVs and big trucks (trucks are big here, and they are also BIG.) You wouldn’t believe what is in their trash, either! I mean, we got half a garage sale saved up already, just from stuff we’ve found. You know what they say – “one man’s trash is another man’s treasure!”

It’s been very dry this past year – the big lake is down 24 feet. I am not making this up. They have walkways down to the docks on what look like big extension things that can roll out farther and farther as the water recedes. It’s dramatic. Could be biblical, in the right hands.

The house is coming along - we’re at the stage where you look forever for the ‘right piece’ of furniture. We’ve painted several rooms and the halls and that’s helped a lot. The names of the paint colors are an inspiration! Whoever does this has a vivid imagination. PeachFuzz in MorningLight was one we chose. Also Banana Three Days Before It Turns Black. We’re toying with painting the office CoffeeStain On White Linen Suit.

Allow me to turn serious for a moment. Terri and I are fine. We love this place. Bob’s middle age crisis is almost over – at least he didn’t buy a sports car or run off with some bimbo blonde short-skirted high heel wearing cheerleader who wants to escape her small town and appreciates more mature men with great hands.