JOHN STEWART HOSTS THE OSCARS

He's funny, glib, very bright and irreverent. I hope he scores BIG. I'm a fan. Others have endured hours of flop sweat, and that isn't pretty.

They say Johnny Carson was the all-time champ host, and I'll agree. But the country was a gentler place then, too. Now a little edge will fit right in. But here's the thing: too much will work AGAINST Stewart, so it's a delicate balancing act.

I'm not a fan of Billy Crystal. He just has that "look at me" look which I don't find attractive, though undoubtedly I'm in the minority. Compare our careers - he wins. I enjoyed the schtick where they put him into movies. He does a great Muhammad Ali/Howard Cosell bit - it's perfect. But I'm just not there for him.

Whoopi Goldberg has a different, slower pulse, to my way of thinking, which makes her too droll for the gig.

Ellen DeGeneres is perfect. She's cheerful, confident, and funny! Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Leno would be too hyper.

Letterman wouldn't go near it again.

Steve Martin scored, but with him you expect crazy-against-his-look, so when he's straight it seems wrong.

We'll watch Sunday night, but I will gag when the winners each get up there and accept an award by reading their personal phone directories of agents and lawyers and hangers-on. Sure wish they'd cut that out. Geez, if they don't have ANY personalilty, wouldn't you think they'd hire someone to write a script they could memorize and deliver? Think of the difference between something meaningful and 45 seconds of names!

Something like this:

"I am so very, very grateful to those with whom I had the good fortune to work on this project, and for those who back me up in so many ways, every day. But I want to take just a few seconds to encourage the young boy or girl who may be watching and whose fantasy world deserves to grow and shine. To you I say: Never give up. You see, the world of pretend is a wonderful world when it can open the minds and hearts of so many, to lead them to a place of great ideas, deep feelings, and sharing."

...and heck, that's only 30 seconds.