CHRISTMAS PART TWO

Frost and frozen rain in Our Part of Texas. Are we haunted? I swear I smell Minneapolis in the north wind.

If you have trouble getting into the Christmas Spirit, this may be why:

RE: Organizational Changes at the North Pole

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining was necessary due to the North Pole's loss of dominance
of the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels
and mail order catalogs have diminished Santa's market share.
He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of
a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity
from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School,
is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental
emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press. I am
pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition
still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the
strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way,
not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was
into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate
comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time
of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole
to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately,
the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas"
subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out
to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging
plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective.
In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned.
The positions are therefore eliminated;

The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a
call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been
calling, how often and how long they talked;

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative
implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious
metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order;

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded.
It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is
an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and
an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that
from now on every goose it gets will be a good one;

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times.
The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order.
The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore
enhance their outplacement;

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy
scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought.
The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility.
Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be
phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of
international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest
replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability
may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect
an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the
band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music
and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line;

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals,
and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching
deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day,
service levels will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's
association seeking expansion to include the legal profession
("thirteen lawyers-a-suing) action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary
in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request
management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs
is the right number.

Not my writing, but so right! Don't know who gets the credit, but they probably will be the ones with coal in their stocking. My ex-boss - a hard working, really good man, was fired this past week by a greedy company which will remain nameless (their initials are both Cs). I dedicate this post to him.