There were three wise men that travelled to the newly born baby Jesus. From imagination that defies space and time and truth our scene opens as the three Magi, Donald, Ted and Ben, follow a bright star in the east.
“Why is there another star in the east? I am the star. I am brightest, the biggest, and my successful shine is known worldwide,” said Donald. “By the way - this camel thing… it’s absolutely crazy, and smells like Rosie O’Donnell.”
“Well, I see a bright star in the heavens and we are destined to follow it,” Ben replied. “But maybe it’s a hole in the sky. But, you know, it would have to be something awfully big if you stop and think about it.”
Ted ducked as his camel tried to eat his turban. “It IS a star. It’s the one in the bible. Luckily, I brought GPS. The star shines for the faithful who believe in good Christian values and the right to protect ourselves from nomads who think they are entitled to benefit from the light that shines”
“You know,” boasted Donald, ““I have a tremendous gift for the Baby Jesus, and believe me, those nomads are known to be traveling bands of thieves. Those nomads come and take jobs, steal, rape, and some, I assume, are nice nomads. A fence would keep them out. I can get that done and get nomad money to pay for it. Nomads love me. And I love them.”
“I brought a bow. Do either of you have an arrow? Did you know the bow was invented by the Lone Ranger’s Indian companion Toto? Did you know Toto came from the rainy part of Africa?” asked Ben.
And thus, the three wise men set out to find the blessed event which had been prophesized.
“As events go,” said Donald, kicking his camel, “this one will be huge, like a rally for me. Jesus will be a great baby God, but believe me, that Holy Ghost can throw quite a tantrum when pushed. I know Ghost very well – we’ve worked together on several incredible projects like finding my second and third wives.”
“What about God the father?” Asked Ben.
“Father?” replied Donald. “The father is old – really old – he lit the big bang fuse in the pre-day – now - pants up around his nipples… just putters around in the universe anymore, not really into day-to-day stuff…”
“The Father created Medicare, didn’t he? I know it’s not the Age of Aquarius, so this must be the age of enlightenment; or is it entitlement? I keep forgetting and they both start with an e” added Ben, shaking his head.
Donald, continued, as he swatted flies, “I’m going to buy this desert and turn it into a world class golf course. “King of Kings Links” has a nice ring.” I promise this’ll be world class.
“And yet, for so many, the promise seems more and more distant. What is the promise? The idea that - our rights don’t come from man. They come from God Almighty. And here we are about to meet baby God Almighty himself.” Said Ted, anxiously, wiping a bead of sweat or more from his forehead as the three men came upon the stable with the miracle inside, illuminated from within by a golden light. The air was charged with anticipation. Dust motes sparkled in the light. Mary, Joseph, a few sheep and a donkey stand watch over the newly born.
Donald is the first to approach. “Out of my way, Donkey! I have a tremendous gift of gold for the baby.”
“My name is Jeb.”
“My brother did a good job.”
“…and I almost stepped in that ‘good job’…”
“You must be Joseph. Congratulations, old man. Have a cigar. And Mary, I know everything about young brides and older men, but don’t worry, even though his earning power is limited by his advanced age, I have brought a tremendous gift of pure gold. Now this whole virgin birth thing… I’d like to get that for my daughter – how do I arrange that?”
Mary looks puzzled as Ted interrupts:
“And you are Mary. Mary, imagine a little girl growing up in Wilmington, Delaware during World War II, the daughter of Irish and Italian Catholic family, working class. Her uncle ran numbers in Wilmington. She grew up with dozens of cousins because her mom was the second youngest of 17 kids. She had a difficult father, a man who drank far too much, and frankly didn’t think that women should be educated.
“But you’ve given birth to God. And that means God-given rights! Rights we will hold dear at all costs, even if I have to shut down congress to do so.”
Ben enters the hut.
“Holinesses, I bring you a gift of frankincense…”
“What a cheap gift,” interrupts Donald. “Probably from China. A knockoff.” It’s Baby Jesus, fer, uh, Baby Jesus’s sake! This is not a time to cheap out… you think he doesn’t know what you make?”
“it came with a lovely gift with purchase so I also brought you this nice cosmetic bag… “
“Ben, just one question? How many Quaaludes do you take all at once?”
“I made thousands of babies.” Responds Ben. "I grew up in the slums of Detroit. I saw plenty of gun violence as a child. Both of my cousins were killed on the streets. As a Doctor, I spent many a night pulling bullets out of bodies. "There is no doubt that this senseless violence is breathtaking — but I never saw a body with bullet holes that was more devastating than taking the right to arm ourselves away. Serious people seek serious solutions," he added.
Ted joins the nativity scene.
“I myself have mixed ancestry so I know the travails Mary, Joseph and the baby will face. And I bring you a gift of Myrrh.”
“Myrrh?” Shouts Donald. “Whoever heard of that? What is Myrrh? It’s a drug, right? A cheap drug. A gateway to more drugs smuggled into the country by illegal nomads. By the way, where is the mainstream media? They are missing another big story – my gold gift to the baby. If we had a camera for a close-up they could see my face stamped on it. And this fantastic present is almost as pure as Mary.”
Ted continues: “Joseph, or should I call you “Dad?” You are a carpenter. My father was a bartender and my mother sold her dead skin cells to scientists. To see you rise from a humble guy with a hammer and saw to be the father of the baby Jesus without sex is inspiring as an example of how a man given freedom and a faith in you can accomplish anything he can dream. Except if your name ends in BUSH."
We now take leave of our little mixed reality vignette, and return to the present where bearded men bring joy to others.
Merry Christmas! Happy New Year!