Today will be, as Uncle Remus used to sing - a zippedeedoodah day! We are renting a skiboat on beautiful Lake Travis. Not to ski, but to zoom. We will zoom all over. We will cut through the water like a ginsu knife. The weather is perfect. The forecast calls for fun.
Meanwhile, back at the tongue, it still hasn't completely returned from my dental nightmare 2 days and 1 hour ago. Now over the years I have been a passive NON-litigious guy, passing every single chance to sue the beegesus out of someone for any reason. But I wonder if I don't have a legitimate CAUSE for a CRUSADE here (with, of course, the help of a settlement-percentage-based attorney.) For the children. (They always say that.)
I might mistake oatmeal for tapioca. Over the course of a lifetime (remaining - ugly thought that) - what? $50,000?
The tongue side that has 'gone beddy-bye' could be the salt side. Loss of potato chip taste - a true tragedy, ladies and gentlemen of the jury? Can you even put a price on that? $150,000. Pretzels will become cardboard: $75,000. Airline snacks... oh, wait, they stopped those.
I can't stick my tongue out the way I used to - that's clearly a freedom of speech issue: $350,000.
I might mistake things: cotton for cotton candy, just to name one. This could result in a bowel obstruction. My problem is dangerous and potentially life-threatening. $1,000,000.
And what about pain and suffering. Or to be more exact NON pain and NON suffering, since I can't feel on the right side of my tongue. I won't even go into the sexual loss here, this being a family blog. $5,000,000.
We met a man on one of our trips to Jamaica. He was a RISK ASSESSMENT OFFICER for a food store chain. Told us a grape slip'n'fall was worth $5000 - the store wouldn't even go to court. So what do you think I could get for this travesty of deprivation? How many slices of sensation can be cut out of a man before he loses his seat on the bench of life and has to go stand on the sideline, behind the players?
And so while we zoom on the lake, I pray to God (and encourage your prayers and contributions to the fund) that I don't have my tongue hanging between my teeth like a golden retriever drooling out the SUV window on the expressway, only to hit a wake and bite myself without knowing it, and bleed to death, all because some dental school slacker missed the bullseye with that turkey baster of a novocaine needle!
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