A look inside.

I need friends.

It's an admission that's hard to make. It feels like a failure. I'm not even sure I'll publish this to the blog once I write it. I feel a need to get the thoughts out of my system.

Originally, I planned to try to keep this blog light and wiseass. But you know, without polarity there's no contrast, so maybe a deeply felt emotion will bring some balance to the other material.

Work has been one of my problems. In the years I was in radio, I spent way too much energy on the job - my ego was invested in it. The quality of the work was key. Absorbing. Consuming. There was little time for little else, except my wife, dog, and some trips.

I guess somewhere along the line I picked up the "Do A Good Job and you'll be rewarded" mindset, but it's not necessarily true, and certainly myopic. I have been described as 'taking things too personally,' and I do. I suspect it's an issue related to lack of self-worth.

My career took me all over - born in Philadelphia, then after college: Annapolis. MD; Charlottesville, VA; Wilmington, DE; Pittsburgh, PA; Phoenix, AZ; Wilmington DE again; Scranton, PA: Hamilton, Ont, Canada; Montreal, P.Q., Canada; Buffalo, NY; San Diego, CA; Houston, TX; Syracuse, NY; Minneapolis, MN; and finally - in a non- career move, Austin, TX.

I consulted in Orlando, Buffalo, New Orleans, Cleveland, and Monterey.

I've described the job in radio as being a nomad, farming the nation's antenna farms; a drifter, especially true when the business was populated by more mom and pop stations; now there are several big companies, and you don't have to move so much to climb the ladder. In my last position, I worked for 4 companies in 12 years at basically the same desk. Programmed 4 stations. 3 were the same station, changed again and again by research, competition, ownership, or whimsy.

My friends are great people. But the price I've paid for my career is that they are scattered in all these and other places, as most of them were from the same industry, making THEIR moves.
And you DO lose contact over the miles and years as life intrudes. When we do reconnect it's as if we pick up right where we left off.

If we all lived in the same city, I think we'd be busy ALL THE TIME. I envy those who have that support and friendship-fun in their lives.

So I find myself again starting over. And you know, the older you are, I think the harder it IS because many people have established patterns or friends already... it's harder to penetrate their circles.

I suffer from disassociation - I stand outside the circle looking in, wanting to belong, but not feeling a part of it.

Maybe if you read this you'll see some truth in it for you, somehow. If not, please excuse the self-indulgence.