Pool maintenance

Grade and high school years were years when I'd play with my "chemistry set" in the basement. I should be dead from the stuff I inhaled... acid fumes, melting lead smoke, and of course, using the sheet of asbestos they provided, back in that day of innocense. "Look, I can't feel the flame! (And in 50 years my lung will cough up like beef jerky.)"

Well, sir, the years have passed, and I find myself the proud co-owner of my wife's pool. I say "my wife's," because the deal was, when we had this house built, that she'd get her lap pool and I'd get a dedicated "listening to music (not her) room."

As part of our contract, our pool builder generously donated 3 months of pool boy service. These guys would zip in, test the water, usually add some brew, maybe suck a few dead bugs and debris through the hose, and then split, leaving behind an undecipherable sheet with a smiley face by their signature.

I used to work at a BIG conglomerate where the CEO also signed his name with a smiley face. Hint: people don't smile back, they shake their heads sideways. But that's another story.

I was provided with a quote for continuing pool service, which is almost 4 times my cable bill - for ONCE A WEEK visits; but heck, I also received my OWN chemical testing kit (flashback!!!) and how hard can it be?

When grown men ask, "How Hard Can It Be?" it's probably a good time to get the yellow pages handy.

So, I just tested my - sorry - my wife's pool water. I read the instructions three times and then again for each test.

I have learned some truths:

Here's what they don't tell you in the manual:

1- The test kit has you add drops of chemicals to water samples. Those drops also REALLY BADLY stain Khaki shorts.

2- They say to test water at elbow depth. When you fall in, note that depth is higher than you think it is, because the instructions mean from top down, not bottom up.

3- Test number 3 is interrelated with number 5, I think, and one screws up the other. If you EVER tried to adjust color on an early color TV, where you could turn up each of three colors, you know how much trouble you can get into.

4- If you don't have the right chemical balance, your pool filter will take off like at Atlas Missle in the night. The next morning your immediate area will be covered with Diatomacious earth (white powder) which will harden harder than a diamond. Your neighborhood coke addict will be trying to inhale the coating on your BMW.

5- Calcium builds better bones, but doesn't build better pool tile, so you have to be concerned about that. I don't know what you do.

6- When the wind blows your socks into the water you can retrieve them after you fall in.

7- Ph requires a Ph.d. to adjust. That's why it's called Ph. I propose a reality show in which Paris Hilton adjusts Ph and then swims in it.

8- When you put acid in the pool to adjust the Ph, your hands will get wet somehow. It won't hurt right away. But Yyu'll know that it's acid when you touch the doorknob to get back into the house, and it hisses. And your wife will know everything - even from miles away. When you walk the half empty acid bottle through the house, she'll know that too.

9- There's more, but the page in my manual is badly stained, smeared, and half eaten away